Hi! Ahoj! Dobrý deň!
It’s already the seventh month of my EVS. How come is the time going so fast? I know I keep saying it almost in every post but it’s true.
I was just scrolling the photos on my phone back to February. It’s bittersweet to look back and see how far I’ve come. I remember January when I was so content with myself. I thought I knew everything, I thought I was complete. Haha. Good joke. There’s always room for development.
Isn’t it funny that the moments that improve us the most are the most uncomfortable and frightening? I guess that’s the reason I chose to go for an EVS. I was too much in my comfort zone. I wanted excitement and new experiences, I needed questioning and confrontation.
After the two camps in Zlatna na Ostrove and Brekov, I can honestly say that I got what I needed. I was like fish out of the water, especially in Brekov. Leading the camps is so different from participating in them. It was less about connections and wonderful moments, even though perhaps that’s what I wished for, and more about
handling situations,
making decisions under pressure or stress,
taking the lead,
learning to let go,
understanding my limits,
pushing my limits,
learning to be more patient,
figuring out what’s important to me and to others and what isn’t,
managing expectations, time, cultural differences,
setting boundaries,
understanding what respect means to different people…
The list could easily go on and on.
I learned a lot about myself. I realised I’m more introverted than I wanted to believe I was. The reason I didn’t realise it sooner is probably that before I was given plenty of space to be on my own. Now that I was put into the role where I was responsible for other people and I needed to be available to them at all times in case of an emergency, I didn’t really enjoy it. Was it because I really needed the space to go and be just by myself? Or was it because that’s not what I was used to, because my comfort zone was being “intruded”? Maybe it was a mix of both.
I remember being tired a lot and feeling guilty because I didn’t have the energy to cheer people up, to keep good vibes going. I sensed when something was off yet felt crippled by the fact that I didn’t know how to change it. I don’t have that “thing” in me that some people do and that I admire. I can have fun but I struggle a lot to be the initiator of fun. I don’t know why. Is it just my personality or are there ways to change it? My question to myself is: should I accept this part of myself or should I improve it? I really don’t know at this point. Maybe I will figure it out later.
One thing that I did figure out (I think, I hope) was that I need to explain myself more. I see it now. It stems back to when I had trouble at primary school with maths because I didn’t understand why I need to write out every single step of the calculations. I saw the final result and it was clear to me. Apparently not to the teacher. Several years later, now just a few years ago, I remember the notes of my supervisors when I was writing both my BA and MA theses. “Explain more,” they said. “Write it out more clearly.”
I tend to get ahead of myself, sometimes my thoughts move at the speed of light and I come to a conclusion which makes the most sense to me. However, I understand now that when I don’t fill in people outside of my head about how and why I came to the conclusion, they might see me as stubborn and inflexible. Once I have my conclusion or decision, it’s difficult for me to see alternative solutions. It doesn’t mean that I won’t accept any other way, just that I have one idea very clearly in my head and I kind of get tunnel vision in terms of any other ideas.
So, what to do about this issue? I can alert others about it and explain that I don’t mean any harm and I’m honestly open to other solutions, I just need time to understand why the alternatives are good or better. I can be more aware and train myself to shed light on my thought process about the conclusion. I can also train myself to be more patient and find a sincere motivation why I should explain more. This thing, seeming to be stubborn, is surely something I can work on.
What else? In Brekov, I really pushed myself physically. I’m not the fittest of them all. Every day walking up the hill for half an hour to get to the castle was an enormous challenge. In the second week, we went for a 7-hour hike. I’m so happy that I pushed myself but also the next day I was dead. My body wasn’t so happy. 😀 I know now that I can do it if I want have to. I knew before already that for these kind of challenges I need an external motivation. On my own, I’m lacking willpower, I’m too easy on myself and the mentality of “tomorrow” kicks in way too easily. Maybe this will be the next thing to tackle. Or maybe I just need to outsmart myself and trick myself into doing sports so I don’t even realise that I’m making an effort? I don’t know… Do you have any advice for that?
In other news, I’m going to my mid-term training on Thursday. I finally got the invitation just before leaving for Brekov. Since it’s another group than I was originally assigned to, I’m a little bit apprehensive whether they will accept me. They already know each other. I really hope it will be a fun time exploring yet again another part of Slovakia. The training is in Terchová, in the North Middle part of Slovakia. Fingers crossed!
I’ll be back soon with a big bunch of photos from the Brekov camp.
Until then!
E(V)Stonian Diaries 